Never Done This Before But Here's my Naked...

Recently you may know or not I’ve been on a journey to findmy inner self, my internal warrior. I read a book by Chris Brown (www.theinternalwarrior.com) and it’snot only struck the biggest chord ever with me but made me look & critizisemyself like never before.  This issomething I have always found very hard to do.

I wanted to get out there, who I really am, what struggles ihave and had.

I wanna be brutally honest with you...

I’ve been living in a comfort zone of unhappiness,constantly thinking what other people think or say about me, struggling with myweight, stressed out, tired & depressed.

I put a front on to the outside world, I can’t let peoplesee me like that. I think I’m a failure because I can’t control my weight, mymind or actions. It’s a lot easier for me to go to the chippy than cook a cleanmeal. I drink most weekends followed by a kebab.

I eat in secret so I don’t get spotted eating shit becausethe outside world have stereotyped me into what I should eat. I dream of thebody I want and I know with my knowledge and expertise I can achieve it, myresults speak for themselves but my mind stops me, my habits stop me and myupbringing stops me. The brain is a powerful tool and if you lose control of itit can have huge effects on your life.

I grew up in an environment where emotional eating was thenorm and every one was on a diet and unhappy with there body. The ‘good’ foodwas hidden away so we would have to stealthly find it at night after everyonewas a asleep. It was like a mouse trap game to get to the biscuits but because wewasn’t allowed them we wanted them more.

I’ve always been an emotional eater, it never really came tolight until a couple of years ago but this year it’s spiralled out of control,to a point i can’t control it.

At the beginning of the year I did 6 months of no drinkingalcohol, I hit a low patch earlier mid year and for me my release was drinking,I now drink every week, I look forward to a Thursday night with the boys.  During my very low months my focus was ongetting my bootcamps done for the week so i could get pissed up all weekend. I’vealways been a drinker, I love having a beer. But i felt like the biggesthypocrite going telling my clients not to drink, it does this to your body, iteffects you like that, frowning upon them on a Monday when i found out they’dbeen out. What a prick hey?

I was brought up in a negative environment which doesn’thelp my mind set, i need comfort so i turn to the thing that makes me happy – drinkingand eating.

Does this help in my line of work – fuck no

 Did i care – no.

 I just wanted to behappy, i hate the feeling of being pissed off but it’s become second nature tome recently. I’ve wished the week away so i didn’t have to get up at 530am. I’dsleep all afternoon, id eat chocolate, crisps, biscuits, takeaway. Id be onearsehole to be around. But to the outside world i was happy.

I get called a fat trainer a lot, when people ask me what ido i’m embarassed to say, because they look at me an laugh. I read statuses onfacebook that i know are about me and the way i look - This hurts me so muchbut i just laugh it off. I think i’ll show this dick and get in shape but iresort to eating comfort food once again.

Now i know i’m not massively overweight, maybe chunky. I’mnot ripped up, or lean but the outside world thinks i should be. They make anassumption of you within minutes and yeah i do need to be in shape to conformwith what you think but i’m not. I look in the mirror and am never happy withmy reflection.

I should train 3 times a week, but i don’t. I’ll have spurtsof training, i’ll be honest i don’t like working out it bores me at the start –i’d rather go home and sleep or play on fifa. Again though i tell my clientsthey have to 3 times a week – biggest hypocrite going right!?

I actually have clients who are fitter than me and would runrings me but i’m perceived as the fittest guy ever so I have to hide the fact i’mblowing out of my arse.

I’ve not always been like this when i first qualified over 4years ago, i trained like nobody else but over the years the stereotypicalworld has got in my head, i couldn’t keep up.

I used to love my work, i felt like i didn’t work a day evenif i’d been training clients from 6am-10pm but recently it’s been hard.

I’ve never been so pissed off and depressed in my life, i’venearly quit training at least 4 times in the past 3 months because I have feltit’s not worth it.   

It takes a lot for me to take critisim, infact i dont’ takeit at all.

I’ve had to take a step back and really look at myself, lookat the situation i’m in, look at my body, look at my habits, see that i’m aselfish shit, i’m a lazy fucker, i only go into something with the WIIFM (whatsin it for me)mindset, why i eat shit – writing this right now I want to havesome crisps, true story!

It’s all due to habits i’ve created, due to the fact i’venever achieved what i wanted to, never been pushed to achieve (taking part wasenough for us growing up) taking the piss out of people who are better then me ratherthen congratulating them and aspiring to be where they are. I always care whatpeople think, i’ll be honest im shitting myself of what you’ll say afterreading this. I need recognisition, i need to be wanted. I like to let youthink i‘m better than I actually am.

Some people will take the piss out of this post, in myopinion now, they are not happy with themselves and maybe need to open up theirminds more.

I think the biggest thing here and whole point of this ‘therapysession’ is to be comfortable with who i am now, to be 100% honest with myselfand put it out there. I’m on a journey to create a new blueprint in my life andfor me this is the first step.

I have the love and 1000000% support of Lianne and anamazing daughter Tiana who both make me so happy, i take them for granted.

I have family and have small group of friends who i don’tappreciate enough or make the effort as much as i should, instead of looking attheir flaws i should look at their qualitys that they bring into my life.

I want to say a huge thank you to Chris Brown, with out yougoing through your journey, i’d never be able to go on mine. See the interviewwith him i did about the book here - http://theinternalwarrior.com/an-interview-with-a-reader/

This is me being the rawiest I’ve ever been in my life, strippeddown naked in front of you, baring all.

‘Out of every 100 men,
10 shouldn’t be there,
80 are just targets,
9 are the real fighters
and we are lucky to have them
for they make the battle.

Ah, But the one,
One is the Warrior,
and he will bring the others back’

~ Heraclitus (ViaChris Brown)

Ian Foran

PS i;ve not spell checked this either, i used to do that soyou didn’t think i was thick as pigshit.